What’s next for me?

April 13, 2011

Now that my divorce is over, I guess it’s a good time to reflect on the past year, what I have learned and how it has affected me.

I still struggle to understand how my marriage broke down.

When Lila was 15 months old (in 2004, about 6 years before Josie was born), we went through a marriage fart, and I thought that was that, and we had overcome. At that time, Scott expressed unhappiness, we went to counseling, he said he wanted a divorce (2 sessions into counseling), we started proceedings, we separated for four months, he changed his mind, and said he wanted to try and work it out.

We got back together, we lived together for a “trial year” after which point, he said he was happy again. He promised me that if he ever was unhappy again he was confident we could work it out and that I was stuck with him. He went through great efforts to regain my trust, and I went through great efforts to make the changes he said he needed (more time with his friends, more freedom to write, and more of an interest in his career). Two years after that separation he said he was ready for another baby. It took me fertility counseling and year and a half of trying to get pregnant before I did. When Josie was born, she refused to take a bottle, and I breastfed her for 15 months which was very hard on me and on our marriage.

Then he left – with no warnings, and no signs of his being unhappy with me. In fact, about 3 weeks before he left, we bought a lifetime timeshare (which we later canceled after he moved out). We fantasized together about all the vacations we would be taking when we retired. When we were at a Divorce Coach session, he admitted to me that he didn’t know he was leaving me until the moment I asked him if he was having an affair. So basically it was an impulse decision, and he stuck with it… not that I offered him any opportunity to come back to me.. at that point I knew I couldn’t .. because I would NEVER be able to trust him again. Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me.

During the separation 6 years ago, I had discovered that he had been keeping a secret blog and called it something along the lines of “How I Kicked Heroine and Embraced Mediocrity”. I was very hurt by this, obviously, as it implies that I am mediocrity. Looking back, I am not sure how I justified getting back with someone who considered his life with my children and I mediocre. But, by most people’s standards, our life was pretty good.

What it comes down to I think, is that Scott considers normalcy and stability… mediocre. Hence, I am going to take a leap here and say that it wasn’t really me and my children, but the fact that I am not a drunk, I’m not bisexual (although I am open-minded in the bedroom), I’m not a drug addict, I’m not a stripper, I’m not a prostitute (nor do I wish to be one, as his current girlfriend apparently does – she also pees in the shower – don’t ask me how I know this), I’m not a burlesque dancer, I only have one tattoo and I’m not a raving bitch or a lunatic. This makes me “mediocre” in his book. I can only assume that if this is the case, that if he doesn’t end up with someone who is one of the above, he will end up unhappy with the next girl too. Also – he has yet to address the fact that he has bisexual tendencies. This is bound to come up again at some point.

I revel in the things in life that Scott considers mundane. I like when I catch sight of a bird eating a worm, I am happy when I see my children happy, i am happy when I am able to do things that make other people happy, I am in awe of the ocean and the stars and the feeling of a cool breeze when I am really hot. Being with my family and the comfort and security of their love makes me happy. Hearing one of my favorite songs makes me happy. Taking care of my garden makes me happy. Sleeping in on a Sunday makes me happy. My first cup of morning coffee, a few drinks in a bar with great friends, really good food, traveling to new places… these things, the every day little things are enough for me. I just wish I had someone to share these things with.. because now, I am alone, and it’s not nearly as enjoyable. Luckily I at least have my daughters to share some of these things with.

These normal everyday wonders of the world are not enough for Scott. He needs some kind of stimulation that he can only get from the vagrants of society and people with lots of vices and issues. These kinds of people, are the people that have trouble functioning in normal society. I don’t judge them, but I also don’t think it I don’t think it makes them more interesting, it just makes them people who can’t deal with life as it is and the fact that reality is reality. No matter how many people you fuck, no matter how many drugs you do, no matter how many tattoos you have…. You still live in reality. In my mind, reality is having a job that supports your family, and raising children to carry on life when you die.

The fact that he decided that NOT being married to me, was far more important than seeing our children every day (without batting an eyelash) is very telling of where his priorities are. Now he spends most of his free time with people with no kids, and who are vagrants and and/or have lots of vices and issues, and that are 10 to 20 years younger than he. These are people who haven’t really had to deal with reality yet, or just choose not to deal with it. This is what he needs to make him happy? That and a good lay with a younger girl? Go nuts ass hole. In ten years or probably less… it’s going to get old, and that 28 year old girl might not find a 55 year old guy with shriveled up tattoos of hideous portraits so attractive.

The worst part of this is that the next girl he has a long term relationship with is probably going to be some vagrant who will end up being my kids step-mother. If not, then it’s just going to be a younger version of a mediocre person like me. I just hope and pray the he doesn’t have more kids. He barely has the energy or time for the ones he does have.

Enough about Scott. About me. What’s next for me?

I have been dating… I have dated 3 very different men for about 3 months each. Met one at a bar, then the other guys online. Nothing I see going long-term, but I enjoyed dating again. Right now I’m dating no-one, and am feeling a bit like I’m never going to meet a new Mr. Right. It’s tough to date. I’m a 40 year old stay at home mom with a toddler and an 8yo, and I can only go out every other weekend, and if I go out any other time, the guy can’t sleep over, and/or I have a babysitter texting me that my kids won’t sleep. Oh, and I can’t talk on the phone because I have no privacy in my own house. I’m a real catch. This type of stuff has affected my dating life… it’s hard to nurture a new relationship when I am only available 4 to 6 nights a month. Wondering when and if I will ever get another chance to be happy with someone or if I am just doomed to be alone.

In the meantime, I am taking up a new career. I am getting alimony for 10 years, but 10 years from now I will be 50 and I don’t want to be 50 with no recent work experience under my belt. I have a BS in journalism, then I got an MBA, then I ended up making large corporate websites and then i’ve been doing freelance website development fir the past 5 years. Now I may be going back to school again to get a degree in Radiologic Technology… I’m interested in seeing people’s bones & brains.

Wish me luck. I could use some.


A Little Karma

September 20, 2010

On mornings after a night that Lila and Josie sleep at Scotts bachelor pad, he usually drops Josie at daycare, and then brings Lila to the house so she can walk to school with the little boy next door (her walking buddy).

So, when Scott dropped off Lila today, I open the door and she is wearing a new black t-shirt with a huge portrait and big sparkly letters of Justin Bieber, that she made Scott buy her.  I actually laughed out loud. Scott looked at me, he was actually blushing, and said “It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.” (In my head I said… “Harder than leaving your wife and kids? Oh right, that wasn’t hard for you.”)

Anyway – for some reason this struck me as so ridiculous and hilarious, that for a moment, I didn’t feel angry at all. I looked at this 44 year old, mostly grey haired and thinning, overweight guy, who likes whiskey, tattoos, junkies, trannies and strippers. This is the guy who used to be my husband.  He’s standing there, with his Dabney Coleman tattoo, blushing because he was talked into buying a Justin Bieber shirt for his bubbly and beautiful daughter. This certainly doesn’t go well with his “I am a writer… I love Bukowski and Poe and all things dark and tragic” persona that he has going on his blog and in his little fantasy world in NOLA. This was a little bit of karma, and it pleased me.

I of course briefly recalled one of the emails I had seen between he and Body Shots.  The email when he wrote to her telling her he took Lila to a Tim Burton exhibit in the city, and telling the 24yo stripper that Lila has a dark sense of humor.  That’s ridiculous.  Lila is a cheerleader.  She likes Justin Bieber and hums in the shower.  The work poop cracks her up. She is bright and sunny and optimistic.  Why Scott would tell the story that Lila is dark to Body Shots is beyond me.

Ultimately though, this was a small bit of Karma somehow. It made me feel hopeful. I felt like it was a good sign.

Hee hee

May 2, 2010

My friend Lara says the new tattoo looks like Dabney Coleman with a crow.  (or how about a rooster).  LOL!!

New Tattoo

May 1, 2010

So this is the image that Scott has up on his blog right now of his new tattoo.  What 44 year old man gets a tattoo like this, of Edgar Allen Poe, who most of us in our 40’s were interested in back when we were into Kerouac, in our teens and early 20’s.

I am sorry, but I am now embarrassed that I was married to this man. What a buffoon!!!! Seriously! Now my 7 year old is going to see this and ask all sorts of questions.  What am I supposed to say when she tells me?!?!

I have a little tat myself… which I GOT WHEN I WAS 22 YEARS OLD.  I have no regrets about it, it’s tasteful, it’s a little rose, and it’s on my shoulder blade. It’s not so much that I have anything against tattoos… I just think this one is a little embarrasing for a 44yo.

So, he’s going to date someone, and they will say, cool tattoo… when did you get it? He can “last week”.  LOL!!!

Talk about a mid-life crisis… this is CLASSIC.  Barf.