They met her

May 3, 2011


My kids met the girl. The anticipation was worse than the actual event itself. They came home and Lila said she had fun and she was nice, and hasn’t brought her up since. Glad it’s over-with. For me, I am still having a hard time with this, and I felt the need to explain to Scott why. I sent him the letter below a few days before the kids met the girl (still trying to think of a good nickname for her… Maybe slampig?):

Scott,

I am sorry for the barrage of angry texts earlier today. I want to try and explain where it is coming from because I don’t think you have any comprehension of how I feel. I am not sure why I am writing this note because I don’t believe you care how I feel or care what impact the things you do have on my life… but we have children together and I guess this is my effort to see if in some way I can get through to you.

First of all – I don’t really hate this girl… I don’t even know her. However, I do know that I think it’s a little red-flaggy for someone who is 28yo to uproot their life for someone who was in the middle of a divorce, lives in another state, is significantly older and has two kids and an ex-wife to deal with. You’re bringing her into my life, my town, where my friends live and have been a great source of compassion and support in the last year, my safe place… into the house that I lived in, where I conceived Josie, with art hanging on the walls that was in my house first, and chit chatting with people in the neighborhood who were my friends first. She’s probably also hanging out with you and Matthew, who was also my friend first. She has my ex husband, must she have every other thing that matters to me?

It makes me wonder if she thinks of these things or not. If she doesn’t, then she isn’t a very thoughtful, compassionate or sensitive person. If she does think of these things, than maybe she is at least a sensitive and kind person – just blinded by naive love and doing what she thinks is best for her and for your relationship. I actually do hope for my kids’ sake, it’s the latter… I hope my kids end up with stepparents they like. As you and I both know, it’s hard for kids if they don’t like the parent’s significant other. Your step-father, your step-mother – nit very nice people, and that sucked for you. My step-mother… my mom’s boyfriends… Not so great either…. that sucked for me (although fortunately I never had to live in a house with my parents boyfriends/girlfriends). I also hope for my kids’ sake you make better decisions than your own father did in terms of a revolving door of girlfriends that took his attention off of you.

My anger is coming from a place of fear – can you comprehend how hard it is for me to accept the fact that a person who I’ve never met could have an impact on my children’s lives? My children are young and impressionable, and it makes me physically nauseous to imagine another woman playing mommy to my kids when I don’t know her and I have no idea what kind of person she is or what her background is. She could be mean and abusive to children. She could be a person with no filters who says inappropriate things around my children. She could set a bad example for my girls or have bad values or morals. She could also be really awesome… I just don’t know. I don’t know her. Once again for my children’s sake, I hope she is nice and kind, and semi-normal. The point is, it’s very scary to me, especially with how young and impressionable my children are.

I do know that she could never come close to comprehending my fear, because she is not a mother. Only a mother can understand the innate and human instinct one has to protect their children.

My anger also comes from a place of having no control. When you told me you were having an affair with Body Shots, and all the things that followed… It was a hit & run. I was kicked to the ground and beaten the shit out of emotionally and down for the 10 count. Every step that we have had to take over the past year to get where we are has been because of your decisions and your choices. Not mine. Now you are doing something that impacts the most important thing in the world to me… my children, and once again I have no control and no say. This is where my anger stems from.

I am also wondering if you have given a lot of thought to your decision to introduce our children to this girl, or if you are just being impulsive which you have been known to be in the past. Not only because this affects me, but because it also affects our children. Either way, from my perspective… it’s hurtful, upsetting and opens all my old wounds that I felt like were just beginning to heal.

I know that I have no say in how and when you choose to integrate this girl into my kids life… but I am asking you to think about the things I have said, and if you can find any way to put yourself in my shoes a little bit, then maybe you can at least try to be sensitive to how this impacts me and my children and understand why I feel the way I do.

I am sure in time this will get easier, but right now I am just asking for some sensitivity form you and your girlfriend. Ultimately, if we all get along… it is better for my kids. And you know that at the end of the day, no matter how angry and hurt and disgusted I am, I really want to do what is best for them.

–Elle

Scott replied in a satisfactory manner which at least validated my feelings. He said he would try to be more sensitive to how things impact me and to do his best to stay out of my way in town. We shall see.

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One Response to “They met her”


  1. Hang in there. Be noble. Keep the peace. Show your kids you’re the better person. Then go to the bathroom, shut the door, bite down on a towel and scream the F word.

    I’m routin’ for ya. By the way, I hope you find a sitter. 😉


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