Forgiveness?
July 31, 2010
One of my readers asked me if I could ever forgive Scott. I wish I could, because if I could, I hope that I could feel a sense of inner-peace again. It got me thinking though….
In terms of forgiveness… I can forgive the physical infidelity, I can forgive the emotional infidelity, I can forgive that he was too emotionally inept to tell me he was unhappy. I think I could even forgive him for the money he spent on her if I heard him say (and felt it was genuine) that he was not only sorry for the money he spent on her, but was able to admit out loud, to my face, that it was a selfish and really stupid thing to do, and that the girl used him and took advantage of him. He has said nothing to me about it other than “he showed poor judgement”. Ha… that’s the understatement of the year.
I can NOT forgive that email between him and his boss joking about her being his next wife…. I can NOT forgive the bragging about stripper conquests online shortly after our separation… I can NOT forgive the fleur-de-lis neckalce… I can NOT forgive that he left me at home to pick up the pieces after we separated and went back to see the girl during that time, but never made the time to come to see his own children those three weeks. I can NOT forgive that he called the police on me for trying to kick him in the balls. And, above all, I can NOT forgive that he didn’t think our marriage and our very young children were worth enough to try and see a counselor…. he just wanted out.
Those things I can not ever forgive, and I don’t think anything but time will help get those things out of my mind.
Angry Almost Ex-Wife - A Divorce Story 
August 5, 2010 at 12:40 pm
I was just sharing with a friend about how difficult I was finding it to get past my break-up from this spring. His response to me immediately struck a cord with me, so I thought I’d share it with you. Was just a simple single sentence, but it gave me hope. I told him how amazed I was at how long it takes to get through some of these feelings. He said “it’s a long way in, so it’s gonna be a long way out”. I stopped to think about it for a minute. I didn’t just suddenly find myself completely and totally in love one day. It was a process. So healing and figuring my head out of it all is also going to be a process. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Now that I’ve let go of my anger and I’m dealing with the hurt, I’m finding it much easier to see that light. Hang in there lady. Get past that anger! You’re allowed to let go of it. Hanging onto it is like having on blinders. You’ll never be able to see the joy that you’re missing out on if you only have tunnel vision to the bitter anger.
I remember when my father passed away, months later, I was in bed, and realized that I hadn’t thought about him or my hurt throughout the entire day. I felt guilty. I felt like if I didn’t hold onto that feeling, that somehow I was going to be forced to move on, and I didn’t want to move on. I wanted him here. I wanted my life back with him here in it. How could I dare move on. I would be betraying our relationship in some way. After going through this, for a long while, I finally allowed myself to move forward and it was the most freeing thing I had experienced in my life. Letting go. You’re allowed to let go. You’re allowed to move on. Staying in the anger and hurt isn’t going to slow the wheels that are hurtling you into a new life. Digging your heels in and stubbornly trying to stop the forward movement, will just hurt your heels.
I hope you soon realize that you have the strength to move forward. You are strong enough to move on. You can do this.
August 5, 2010 at 9:45 pm
Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful words. I really appreciate the support and tips I get from people who comment to my posts.
I am sorry for the loss of your father. I can relate, but in my case instead of the death of a person, it’s the death of a relationship and of my idea of what my family was.
THanks again. xoxo
August 1, 2010 at 10:55 am
I agree, time definitely helps you to move past those things that truly hurt you. One year after my breakup, I feel infinitely better, though I do still miss him. But I realize now that he wasn’t for me (and probably not for anyone, really.)
Now, I was a very bad girl after my breakup and became a snoop. I never did it during the relationship, because I respected his privacy, but after it was over, I cyber-stalked my ex on Facebook, on the web, you name it. And I made myself crazy. I found out things I didn’t want to know. Like, friends I didn’t even know he had were poking fun on his FB page of things I had told him (in privacy), and that he had started dating a woman six years younger than me (I Google’d her!) just two weeks after he dumped me (he’s 10 years older than me!) Stuff I really didn’t need to know. But things I found because I was obsessively “stalking” him, trying to figure out why our relationship was over. I did it to myself and I truly was just hurting myself more and more by doing it. The best thing I ever did was to delete him as a FB friend. And though it was torture, I then chose NOT to look him up online. I did not go through mutual friends’ FB pages to peek and see what he was up to. It was hard. But I’m so glad I weaned myself off of it.
From the list of things you “can NOT ever forgive” him for, how many did you find through your own investigations? That’s all stuff you’re not supposed to see, and for good reason, because it just fans the flames of your anger.
Your soon-to-be ex-husband sounds exactly like my ex with his understatements – “showed poor judgement” – which just makes you want to punch him in the face when he says them. I totally, 100%, get what you’re feeling. What an ass! (Though physical violence will not solve any problems, ever, it’ll only get you in trouble.) He’s a fool and most likely a narcissist. Sounds like he is and, though I’m no expert, I have diagnosed my ex as a narcissist. At least, to me, he is one. The way your soon-to-be-ex is so self-involved and irresponsible, he’s just got to be sick. He’s not a real man to just ignore the fact that he had a marriage with you and has a family. It’s called being an adult with real responsibilities. Maybe he got scared, but really? Something must really be up with his mental capabilities because that’s really the only way I could see a man just ignoring his children.
And gosh, I keep thinking of how corny it is that he has taken up with strippers and bragged about his “conquests.” WTF? I have never thought of that as being that hard to do – isn’t stripping commonly thought of as the “gateway” to prostitution? Talking to your partner about your problems and trying to find a solution together, well, that’s hard. And that’s a challenge that a man (or woman) should be proud of accomplishing – that’s something to brag about. Not hooking up with a stripper and ignoring your kids.