January 16, 2015
The title of this blog is “Angry. Almost Ex-Wife” . This is a misnomer at this point because I’m an actual ex-wife, and I’m not so much angry anymore. Just defeated. I never wanted to be be a single parent and I hate being alone. Yet I am both of those things.
I’m working full time now and I spend 3 hours of my day commuting. Work is ok, but it’s 12 hour days, demanding, stressful, and too far away from my kids. The pay is ok though and I am reliant on it. Unfortunately, I don’t see my kids enough now. I did not choose to have this life where I only see my kids for 10 hours a week. Parenting alone is not fun. There is no one to share the joys and hardships of parenting. I did not choose to have kids so that I could do it alone. Yes this will always be the case.
Between work and hand-offs, I just feel like a bill-payer, not a mother. My Aupair, who is a 20 year old German girl, is the one raising the kids at this point. Since I’ve gone back to work, my older daughters grades have suffered, and my younger daughter has become a whiny, clingy kid. When my kids are with their Dad, I feel like I’m missing a leg. When they are with me, I’m exhausted.
I’d like to make changes, but Scott won’t allow me to move somewhere inconvenient for him, and the kids don’t want to be far away from their Dad. The places I’d like to go are too far for him, for the kids or just too expensive for me. Scott only has the kids the 10 nights a month, the other 20 nights a month he gets spends in the city where his fiance lives. The town I’m stuck in 20 nights a month is hell on earth for single people.
My shrink says in order to make a new “single” life for myself in this dumb town, without Ron (who i was with for 3 of the last 4 years), and without Scott, I need to find a local social-group I fit in with. I don’t have that here in my very very married, sleepy, stay-at-home-soccer and PTO mom town. In my multiple attempts at trying and failing to find it, I give up. Plus I don’t have time. 20 nights a month I get home at 7:30 and I’m either racing home to see the kids, or just going home.. There’s not much action going on for a 44yo single mom at that hour on a weeknight. And also, there’s not any action going on in my town on a weekend for a 44yo single mom either. All the other women my age are with their families.
I don’t even get asked out online anymore . Men my age want someone younger women and women my age don’t want old men (or old men balls, eew).
I guess the next phase of my life is solitude. It can be tolerable for a day…. Catch up on bills, sleep…. But a three day weekend coming up and I don’t know a soul who is not spending it without their kids or significant other.
Things I can do alone this weekend: massage, nails, exercise, TV, cook, shop…. Things I can do with someone…. nada.
January 14, 2015
Went out with some girlfriends tonight, who inspired me to re-visit this blog. Lots of things have happened over the past few years since I’ve been here, and it may be time for writing therapy.
In a nutshell, Ron turned out to be a lying, cheating, substance abuser and a burglar. But I loved him anyway. I don’t regret the relationship – but I need to examine my horrible taste in men, aside from my dog.
Oh…. And Scott just got engaged, to the third girl my kids have met in the last 4 years. Yay.
Lila is now 12, Josie is 6, and I’m old. Anyway…. Testing the waters here to see how it feels to write again.
June 22, 2011
Yesterday was my 41st birthday! I was very happy to spend it with my two daughters, my boyfriend Ron (yup, boyfriend – it’s official), and his 5yo son. Funny thing is was Ron’s birthday too! He turned 38 though … guess you could call it robbing the cradle, but not really.
We all went out to dinner, and Ron was carrying Josie on his shoulders, and as we walked in, a couple turned to us and said, “What a beautiful family you have!” … Ron didn’t miss a beat and said, “Thanks! Best 15 years of my life!” which was funny, because we’ve only been together for 2 months.
At dinner, Lila burst out and asked us how we actually met. I stuttered… what was I going to say? “Well Lila, we met at a bar and I had a one-night stand, and it just took off from there.” So, I just said, “Ummm… we met at a restaurant.”
Ron piped in and said, “That’s not the whole story though…” He turned to Lila and the other kids and said, “Your mom was out to dinner with a friend, and I saw her across the room and thought she was so beautiful that I had to talk to her. So, I did. When I did, I realized that she was not only beautiful, but smart and funny too, so I had to ask her out! Lucky for me, she said yes! So I asked her out again, and again and again. And now, I’m totally in love with your mom.” Wow. He made our one-night-stand sound so romantic! Thought I loved him before, but now… I’m head-over-heels. I hope this never ends.
Last year at my 40th birthday, I didn’t think I could ever possibly feel happy again. Here’s where my head was at just a little over a year ago. Not to say I’m happy because of Ron, but I’m really happy with him.
May 16, 2011
So. A few weeks back, I met a guy in a bar. He was flirting, he asked for my number, he was cute, and he called. We’ve seen each other almost every day since. It’s one of those whirlwind relationships that comes on like a hurricane. I hope it doesn’t blow away like one too. He’s adorable, he treats me so nicely, we have so much fun together and I feel happier than I have felt in a long time every time I am with him. He’s already using the “L” word.. I’m still too in shock to say that yet!!
It’s all happening so quickly… Am I crazy? I sort of feel like I’m in a go with the flow phase of my life right now. I can’t plan too far ahead … So
I might as well just enjoy something that makes me feel happy right now. Trying not to over-question and over-analyze everything.
Thoughts?? Questions?? Comments??
May 7, 2011
Met the girlfriend. Just had brunch with her, Scott and the kids. She’s totally nice and sweet. I feel much much better about her being around my kids now that I’ve met her. She’s hard to not like, she totally reminds me of myself when I was 28. I feel bad for her… She deserves better than a 45yo, semi-bisexual, selfish buffoon.
May 6, 2011
5/4/11: Hey! I found a 12yo babysitter for tonight. That’s how old you were when your babysitter – I mean girlfriend was born! Oh no – wrong you were 17. Holy shit – you could be her dad!! Hey at least she’s older than your birth mother who accidentally gave birth to an ass hole and made the world a worse place! Hope you have a lovely evening in my house that my family’s money bought!!
May 3, 2011
My kids met the girl. The anticipation was worse than the actual event itself. They came home and Lila said she had fun and she was nice, and hasn’t brought her up since. Glad it’s over-with. For me, I am still having a hard time with this, and I felt the need to explain to Scott why. I sent him the letter below a few days before the kids met the girl (still trying to think of a good nickname for her… Maybe slampig?):
I am sorry for the barrage of angry texts earlier today. I want to try and explain where it is coming from because I don’t think you have any comprehension of how I feel. I am not sure why I am writing this note because I don’t believe you care how I feel or care what impact the things you do have on my life… but we have children together and I guess this is my effort to see if in some way I can get through to you.
First of all – I don’t really hate this girl… I don’t even know her. However, I do know that I think it’s a little red-flaggy for someone who is 28yo to uproot their life for someone who was in the middle of a divorce, lives in another state, is significantly older and has two kids and an ex-wife to deal with. You’re bringing her into my life, my town, where my friends live and have been a great source of compassion and support in the last year, my safe place… into the house that I lived in, where I conceived Josie, with art hanging on the walls that was in my house first, and chit chatting with people in the neighborhood who were my friends first. She’s probably also hanging out with you and Matthew, who was also my friend first. She has my ex husband, must she have every other thing that matters to me?
It makes me wonder if she thinks of these things or not. If she doesn’t, then she isn’t a very thoughtful, compassionate or sensitive person. If she does think of these things, than maybe she is at least a sensitive and kind person – just blinded by naive love and doing what she thinks is best for her and for your relationship. I actually do hope for my kids’ sake, it’s the latter… I hope my kids end up with stepparents they like. As you and I both know, it’s hard for kids if they don’t like the parent’s significant other. Your step-father, your step-mother – nit very nice people, and that sucked for you. My step-mother… my mom’s boyfriends… Not so great either…. that sucked for me (although fortunately I never had to live in a house with my parents boyfriends/girlfriends). I also hope for my kids’ sake you make better decisions than your own father did in terms of a revolving door of girlfriends that took his attention off of you.
My anger is coming from a place of fear – can you comprehend how hard it is for me to accept the fact that a person who I’ve never met could have an impact on my children’s lives? My children are young and impressionable, and it makes me physically nauseous to imagine another woman playing mommy to my kids when I don’t know her and I have no idea what kind of person she is or what her background is. She could be mean and abusive to children. She could be a person with no filters who says inappropriate things around my children. She could set a bad example for my girls or have bad values or morals. She could also be really awesome… I just don’t know. I don’t know her. Once again for my children’s sake, I hope she is nice and kind, and semi-normal. The point is, it’s very scary to me, especially with how young and impressionable my children are.
I do know that she could never come close to comprehending my fear, because she is not a mother. Only a mother can understand the innate and human instinct one has to protect their children.
My anger also comes from a place of having no control. When you told me you were having an affair with Body Shots, and all the things that followed… It was a hit & run. I was kicked to the ground and beaten the shit out of emotionally and down for the 10 count. Every step that we have had to take over the past year to get where we are has been because of your decisions and your choices. Not mine. Now you are doing something that impacts the most important thing in the world to me… my children, and once again I have no control and no say. This is where my anger stems from.
I am also wondering if you have given a lot of thought to your decision to introduce our children to this girl, or if you are just being impulsive which you have been known to be in the past. Not only because this affects me, but because it also affects our children. Either way, from my perspective… it’s hurtful, upsetting and opens all my old wounds that I felt like were just beginning to heal.
I know that I have no say in how and when you choose to integrate this girl into my kids life… but I am asking you to think about the things I have said, and if you can find any way to put yourself in my shoes a little bit, then maybe you can at least try to be sensitive to how this impacts me and my children and understand why I feel the way I do.
I am sure in time this will get easier, but right now I am just asking for some sensitivity form you and your girlfriend. Ultimately, if we all get along… it is better for my kids. And you know that at the end of the day, no matter how angry and hurt and disgusted I am, I really want to do what is best for them.
Scott replied in a satisfactory manner which at least validated my feelings. He said he would try to be more sensitive to how things impact me and to do his best to stay out of my way in town. We shall see.