Happy Birthday To Me and My Beau

Yesterday was my 41st birthday!  I was very happy to spend it with my two daughters, my boyfriend Ron (yup, boyfriend – it’s official), and his 5yo son.  Funny thing is was Ron’s birthday too!  He turned 38 though … guess you could call it robbing the cradle, but not really.

We all went out to dinner, and Ron was carrying Josie on his shoulders, and as we walked in, a couple turned to us and said, “What a beautiful family you have!”  … Ron didn’t miss a beat and said, “Thanks!  Best 15 years of my life!” which was funny, because we’ve only been together for 2 months.

At dinner, Lila burst out and asked us how we actually met.  I stuttered… what was I going to say? “Well Lila, we met at a bar and I had a one-night stand, and it just took off from there.”  So, I just said, “Ummm… we met at a restaurant.”

Ron piped in and said, “That’s not the whole story though…” He turned to Lila and the other kids and said, “Your mom was out to dinner with a friend, and I saw her across the room and thought she was so beautiful that I had to talk to her. So, I did. When I did, I realized that she was not only beautiful, but smart and funny too, so I had to ask her out! Lucky for me, she said yes! So I asked her out again, and again and again.  And now, I’m totally in love with your mom.”  Wow.  He made our one-night-stand sound so romantic!  Thought I loved him before, but now… I’m head-over-heels.  I hope this never ends.

Last year at my 40th birthday, I didn’t think I could ever possibly feel happy again. Here’s where my head was at just a little over a year ago.  Not to say I’m happy because of Ron, but I’m really happy with him.

I Think I’m in Love and it’s Freaking Me Out!

So. A few weeks back, I met a guy in a bar. He was flirting, he asked for my number, he was cute, and he called. We’ve seen each other almost every day since. It’s one of those whirlwind relationships that comes on like a hurricane. I hope it doesn’t blow away like one too. He’s adorable, he treats me so nicely, we have so much fun together and I feel happier than I have felt in a long time every time I am with him. He’s already using the “L” word.. I’m still too in shock to say that yet!!

It’s all happening so quickly… Am I crazy? I sort of feel like I’m in a go with the flow phase of my life right now. I can’t plan too far ahead … So
I might as well just enjoy something that makes me feel happy right now. Trying not to over-question and over-analyze everything.

Thoughts?? Questions?? Comments??

Just had brunch with Ex’s New Girlfriend

Met the girlfriend. Just had brunch with her, Scott and the kids. She’s totally nice and sweet. I feel much much better about her being around my kids now that I’ve met her. She’s hard to not like, she totally reminds me of myself when I was 28. I feel bad for her… She deserves better than a 45yo, semi-bisexual, selfish buffoon.

Text I’m Not Sending

5/4/11: Hey! I found a 12yo babysitter for tonight. That’s how old you were when your babysitter – I mean girlfriend was born! Oh no – wrong you were 17. Holy shit – you could be her dad!! Hey at least she’s older than your birth mother who accidentally gave birth to an ass hole and made the world a worse place! Hope you have a lovely evening in my house that my family’s money bought!!

They met her

My kids met the girl. The anticipation was worse than the actual event itself. They came home and Lila said she had fun and she was nice, and hasn’t brought her up since. Glad it’s over-with. For me, I am still having a hard time with this, and I felt the need to explain to Scott why. I sent him the letter below a few days before the kids met the girl (still trying to think of a good nickname for her… Maybe slampig?):

Scott,

I am sorry for the barrage of angry texts earlier today. I want to try and explain where it is coming from because I don’t think you have any comprehension of how I feel. I am not sure why I am writing this note because I don’t believe you care how I feel or care what impact the things you do have on my life… but we have children together and I guess this is my effort to see if in some way I can get through to you.

First of all – I don’t really hate this girl… I don’t even know her. However, I do know that I think it’s a little red-flaggy for someone who is 28yo to uproot their life for someone who was in the middle of a divorce, lives in another state, is significantly older and has two kids and an ex-wife to deal with. You’re bringing her into my life, my town, where my friends live and have been a great source of compassion and support in the last year, my safe place… into the house that I lived in, where I conceived Josie, with art hanging on the walls that was in my house first, and chit chatting with people in the neighborhood who were my friends first. She’s probably also hanging out with you and Matthew, who was also my friend first. She has my ex husband, must she have every other thing that matters to me?

It makes me wonder if she thinks of these things or not. If she doesn’t, then she isn’t a very thoughtful, compassionate or sensitive person. If she does think of these things, than maybe she is at least a sensitive and kind person – just blinded by naive love and doing what she thinks is best for her and for your relationship. I actually do hope for my kids’ sake, it’s the latter… I hope my kids end up with stepparents they like. As you and I both know, it’s hard for kids if they don’t like the parent’s significant other. Your step-father, your step-mother – nit very nice people, and that sucked for you. My step-mother… my mom’s boyfriends… Not so great either…. that sucked for me (although fortunately I never had to live in a house with my parents boyfriends/girlfriends). I also hope for my kids’ sake you make better decisions than your own father did in terms of a revolving door of girlfriends that took his attention off of you.

My anger is coming from a place of fear – can you comprehend how hard it is for me to accept the fact that a person who I’ve never met could have an impact on my children’s lives? My children are young and impressionable, and it makes me physically nauseous to imagine another woman playing mommy to my kids when I don’t know her and I have no idea what kind of person she is or what her background is. She could be mean and abusive to children. She could be a person with no filters who says inappropriate things around my children. She could set a bad example for my girls or have bad values or morals. She could also be really awesome… I just don’t know. I don’t know her. Once again for my children’s sake, I hope she is nice and kind, and semi-normal. The point is, it’s very scary to me, especially with how young and impressionable my children are.

I do know that she could never come close to comprehending my fear, because she is not a mother. Only a mother can understand the innate and human instinct one has to protect their children.

My anger also comes from a place of having no control. When you told me you were having an affair with Body Shots, and all the things that followed… It was a hit & run. I was kicked to the ground and beaten the shit out of emotionally and down for the 10 count. Every step that we have had to take over the past year to get where we are has been because of your decisions and your choices. Not mine. Now you are doing something that impacts the most important thing in the world to me… my children, and once again I have no control and no say. This is where my anger stems from.

I am also wondering if you have given a lot of thought to your decision to introduce our children to this girl, or if you are just being impulsive which you have been known to be in the past. Not only because this affects me, but because it also affects our children. Either way, from my perspective… it’s hurtful, upsetting and opens all my old wounds that I felt like were just beginning to heal.

I know that I have no say in how and when you choose to integrate this girl into my kids life… but I am asking you to think about the things I have said, and if you can find any way to put yourself in my shoes a little bit, then maybe you can at least try to be sensitive to how this impacts me and my children and understand why I feel the way I do.

I am sure in time this will get easier, but right now I am just asking for some sensitivity form you and your girlfriend. Ultimately, if we all get along… it is better for my kids. And you know that at the end of the day, no matter how angry and hurt and disgusted I am, I really want to do what is best for them.

–Elle

Scott replied in a satisfactory manner which at least validated my feelings. He said he would try to be more sensitive to how things impact me and to do his best to stay out of my way in town. We shall see.

Scared

Feeling  much more rational today.  Sometimes I just have to spew a little venom out of my head and then I feel better.

What it really comes down to is that I think Scott is getting serious with this girl. This freaks me out because the idea that some woman who I don’t even know could end up being part of my kids life is really really scary to me. It is terrifying.  Especially beacause my children are so young.  She could actually have an impact on them, and that’s not what I signed up for when I had kids.

Scott and I are actually pretty good at co-parenting… we communicate well in terms of the kids and are usually on the same page.  I am flexible with his schedule, he is flexible with mine…. I encourage the kids to see him, I sit with him at school functions, I tell them how happy I am they had a good time with him (and i actually am… I would feel terrible if they went there and hated it!). I send him photos of them when they do cute things. As a result, my children seem remarkably well adjusted so far. (Although I did want to cry when Josie was playing with her little poeple, and said, “Dis is da mommy… dis is da daddy… pause…. bye bye daddy, daddy goes to his house and I go have fun with mommy now.”

So, my question is, if we are co-parenting… how does that work if another person gets involved?  Tri-parenting? I don’t want some girl who doesn’t have kids wiping my two year olds ass.  I don’t want a girl who wishes she was a hooker being a role-model to my two daughters.  I don’t want some stranger who i’ve never met being involved in my kids life.

I guess if this happens, I have no choice… but it is a terrifying thought to me.  It’s so terrifying that it keeps me up at night sometimes and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I delivered these beautiful children into the world… I made them… no one will ever love them the way I do… why do i have to share them with some strange woman who wishes she was a hooker. Not to mention, if she’s 28 and dating a 45 year old guy, she obviously has some issues.

My Ex’s Girlfriend

Slight rant. All I know about her is this. She pees in the shower and wishes she was a hooker. (when she told him she wishes she was a hooker, that’s when he fell in love with her). Nice girl, eh? A whore wannabe. Wonder if she knows about the trannie hooker… Or maybe she is a trannie? Or doesn’t care that he may prefer penises? She’s 28, which means when Scott was a Junkie, she was Josie’s age. She’s fucking my fat 45 year old, balding, gray haired ex. He’s really fat right now – i wonder if he still gasps for air when he cums, like he’s going to have a heart attack like he used to when we fucked. Ewwww. She has no thoughts of her own. I know this because she “likes” everything he likes, and has no original thoughts, just “likes” things and re-blogs things. She’s a lawyer, which automatically makes her a sleazy ass hole as all lawyers are. She has no kids… Hope she knows Scott hates kids, and is so broke from all the debt he has put us into that he can’t afford more. I’ve seen her gpoy on her re-blog blog, she’s not all that. If she ever moves to my town, I will make sure no one ever speaks to her. If she ever touches my children I will have her arrested. If I ever meet her, I will probably laugh in her face and say “Better you than me.” I almost feel bad for her because she doesn’t realize yet that Scott is a weak, pathetic, coward and a pathological liar. She actually thinks well of him. What a poor pathetic naive little fool she is. Reminds me of me when I was 28 – the age I was when I married that buffoon and poor excuse for a man.

What’s next for me?

Now that my divorce is over, I guess it’s a good time to reflect on the past year, what I have learned and how it has affected me.

I still struggle to understand how my marriage broke down.

When Lila was 15 months old (in 2004, about 6 years before Josie was born), we went through a marriage fart, and I thought that was that, and we had overcome. At that time, Scott expressed unhappiness, we went to counseling, he said he wanted a divorce (2 sessions into counseling), we started proceedings, we separated for four months, he changed his mind, and said he wanted to try and work it out.

We got back together, we lived together for a “trial year” after which point, he said he was happy again. He promised me that if he ever was unhappy again he was confident we could work it out and that I was stuck with him. He went through great efforts to regain my trust, and I went through great efforts to make the changes he said he needed (more time with his friends, more freedom to write, and more of an interest in his career). Two years after that separation he said he was ready for another baby. It took me fertility counseling and year and a half of trying to get pregnant before I did. When Josie was born, she refused to take a bottle, and I breastfed her for 15 months which was very hard on me and on our marriage.

Then he left – with no warnings, and no signs of his being unhappy with me. In fact, about 3 weeks before he left, we bought a lifetime timeshare (which we later canceled after he moved out). We fantasized together about all the vacations we would be taking when we retired. When we were at a Divorce Coach session, he admitted to me that he didn’t know he was leaving me until the moment I asked him if he was having an affair. So basically it was an impulse decision, and he stuck with it… not that I offered him any opportunity to come back to me.. at that point I knew I couldn’t .. because I would NEVER be able to trust him again. Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me.

During the separation 6 years ago, I had discovered that he had been keeping a secret blog and called it something along the lines of “How I Kicked Heroine and Embraced Mediocrity”. I was very hurt by this, obviously, as it implies that I am mediocrity. Looking back, I am not sure how I justified getting back with someone who considered his life with my children and I mediocre. But, by most people’s standards, our life was pretty good.

What it comes down to I think, is that Scott considers normalcy and stability… mediocre. Hence, I am going to take a leap here and say that it wasn’t really me and my children, but the fact that I am not a drunk, I’m not bisexual (although I am open-minded in the bedroom), I’m not a drug addict, I’m not a stripper, I’m not a prostitute (nor do I wish to be one, as his current girlfriend apparently does – she also pees in the shower – don’t ask me how I know this), I’m not a burlesque dancer, I only have one tattoo and I’m not a raving bitch or a lunatic. This makes me “mediocre” in his book. I can only assume that if this is the case, that if he doesn’t end up with someone who is one of the above, he will end up unhappy with the next girl too. Also – he has yet to address the fact that he has bisexual tendencies. This is bound to come up again at some point.

I revel in the things in life that Scott considers mundane. I like when I catch sight of a bird eating a worm, I am happy when I see my children happy, i am happy when I am able to do things that make other people happy, I am in awe of the ocean and the stars and the feeling of a cool breeze when I am really hot. Being with my family and the comfort and security of their love makes me happy. Hearing one of my favorite songs makes me happy. Taking care of my garden makes me happy. Sleeping in on a Sunday makes me happy. My first cup of morning coffee, a few drinks in a bar with great friends, really good food, traveling to new places… these things, the every day little things are enough for me. I just wish I had someone to share these things with.. because now, I am alone, and it’s not nearly as enjoyable. Luckily I at least have my daughters to share some of these things with.

These normal everyday wonders of the world are not enough for Scott. He needs some kind of stimulation that he can only get from the vagrants of society and people with lots of vices and issues. These kinds of people, are the people that have trouble functioning in normal society. I don’t judge them, but I also don’t think it I don’t think it makes them more interesting, it just makes them people who can’t deal with life as it is and the fact that reality is reality. No matter how many people you fuck, no matter how many drugs you do, no matter how many tattoos you have…. You still live in reality. In my mind, reality is having a job that supports your family, and raising children to carry on life when you die.

The fact that he decided that NOT being married to me, was far more important than seeing our children every day (without batting an eyelash) is very telling of where his priorities are. Now he spends most of his free time with people with no kids, and who are vagrants and and/or have lots of vices and issues, and that are 10 to 20 years younger than he. These are people who haven’t really had to deal with reality yet, or just choose not to deal with it. This is what he needs to make him happy? That and a good lay with a younger girl? Go nuts ass hole. In ten years or probably less… it’s going to get old, and that 28 year old girl might not find a 55 year old guy with shriveled up tattoos of hideous portraits so attractive.

The worst part of this is that the next girl he has a long term relationship with is probably going to be some vagrant who will end up being my kids step-mother. If not, then it’s just going to be a younger version of a mediocre person like me. I just hope and pray the he doesn’t have more kids. He barely has the energy or time for the ones he does have.

Enough about Scott. About me. What’s next for me?

I have been dating… I have dated 3 very different men for about 3 months each. Met one at a bar, then the other guys online. Nothing I see going long-term, but I enjoyed dating again. Right now I’m dating no-one, and am feeling a bit like I’m never going to meet a new Mr. Right. It’s tough to date. I’m a 40 year old stay at home mom with a toddler and an 8yo, and I can only go out every other weekend, and if I go out any other time, the guy can’t sleep over, and/or I have a babysitter texting me that my kids won’t sleep. Oh, and I can’t talk on the phone because I have no privacy in my own house. I’m a real catch. This type of stuff has affected my dating life… it’s hard to nurture a new relationship when I am only available 4 to 6 nights a month. Wondering when and if I will ever get another chance to be happy with someone or if I am just doomed to be alone.

In the meantime, I am taking up a new career. I am getting alimony for 10 years, but 10 years from now I will be 50 and I don’t want to be 50 with no recent work experience under my belt. I have a BS in journalism, then I got an MBA, then I ended up making large corporate websites and then i’ve been doing freelance website development fir the past 5 years. Now I may be going back to school again to get a degree in Radiologic Technology… I’m interested in seeing people’s bones & brains.

Wish me luck. I could use some.

Goodbye Ass-hat!

I started this blog in March 2010.  Just re-read my first post.  That seems like AGES  ago, but it’s actually been almost exactly a year to the day. We signed our divorce papers last week.  I have learned a lot this past year and want to take a moment to reflect although I do I have one little itty-bitty thing I want to get off my chest first. So, this will be my “get this one last thing off my chest post” and then my next post (to come later this week) will be reflective.

As some of you know, especially those who have been reading since the beginning, at one point I had a little problem with cyber-stalking.  I found many disturbing things and became addicted to it to the point my friends had to have an intervention with me and explain how unhealthy it was for me to read his blog, etc…

After several martini’s and some tears, they got through to me. I realized they were right and managed to give myself a detox (cold turkey from any and all cyber-stalking), and I found myself feeling much better.  I have had a relapse or two, but both times I felt myself feeling annoyed by him when I did it, and much more at peace when I didn’t, and this realization helped me to get past this.

However, on the day of signing my divorce papers – I thought I would just feel relieved but instead I had a violent surge of emotion that sent me reeling. I found myself wondering if Scott was feeling reflective or emotional from it all too, and I relapsed and read his blog.

Eww… instead of finding any signs of reflection or sadness or any emotion whatsoever, I find that he has basically been keeping a digital porn scrapbook (how fucking nerdy can you be), and that the very morning of our signing, he posted an erotic fuck story about he and his girlfriend of the week. I couldn’t decide if he was A) too fucking stupid to realize that that is cruel, or B) just so fucking insensitive he really doesn’t care. I wanted to die.  I am constantly amazed at his ability to continue to be a piece of shit.

The more I thought about it, the more enraged I became.  What an Ass-hat!!  I am not one to keep my emotions bottled up inside and I was totally freaked out and on the verge of a panic-attack.  In a rage, I sent a text to his best friend Matthew, who also happens to be a childhood friend of mine.  I asked Matthew to please say something to Scott and to please tell Scott that he should have more sensitivity on the day of our divorce than to post fuck stories about his girlfriend.  Matthew said he would talk to him.

Not sure what Matthew said, but Scott sent me an email the next day apologizing and saying he didn’t realize I still read his blog and that he didn’t mean to be disrespectful.  So I guess it was option A above (too fucking stupid to realize that that is cruel), and probably a little bit of B too.

After this surge of emotion and an all-day pity party for myself, and a really good cry, I woke up the next day feeling much better.  This event confirms for me that Scott has probably done me a huge favor by initiating this divorce. I just have to take the time now to work on myself and to regain my self-respect because during this process I have lost not only any and all respect for Scott, but also for myself for ever having ever thought well of him. Goodbye Ass-hat… onward and upward. I will never read your stupid porn-scrapbook blog again. What a waste.

I promise my next post will be more positive and reflective and indicative that I have come a long way – LOL.

Everyday Reasons Why I Hate You

Recently it came to my attention that Scott doesn’t really understand why I am still so pissed off.  From some of the comments I have received on this blog, I think some of my readers (who probably have not followed my story from the beginning), probably don’t understand why I am still so pissed off either. “Get over it.” “Move on.”  I probably have some close family and friends who are thinking the same thing.

I have been reflecting on this a bit and have come to a self-understanding of why I am still so pissed off, which I will elaborate on.

However, before I elaborate, I would like to say, I am not this pissed off every day, every moment.  I use this blog as a place to express my anger. You will notice that my posts have become farther and farther apart, and that is primarily because I do not feel the need to express it as often as I did in the beginning.

I am angry about what happened, the infidelity, the money spent, the lies I’ve been told.  All those things make me mad, but they are MUCH less now. The things that piss me off at this point are more of the everyday things:

• I hate Scott when my two year old throws up in the middle of the night, and I have no one to help me watch her while I clean it up.
• I hate Scott when I go to local events and all the other Dad’s are there, and my daughter says she is sad because her daddy is not (and I have to hug her, knowing that the reason he is not there, is because he is too busy with is girlfriend of the month).
• I hate Scott when I realize I am out of milk at 10:00 at night, and there is no one there to stay home with the kids while one of us runs out.
• I hate Scott when I am not invited to parties, because people are uncomfortable having me there as the only single person.
• I hate Scott when my kids are sick, and there is no-one to be there to worry about them with.
• I hate Scott when I am really stressed, and all I want to do is go for a run, but I can’t leave the house because there is no one here to watch my kids.
• I hate Scott when I realize that when I want to go on a date, I have to get a sitter or be at the mercy of his unreliable visitation schedule, knowing that he can go on dates any night he wants, barring the few nights he has the kids.
• I hate Scott when a date goes badly. I did not expect to be dating again when I was 40.
• I hate Scott when my daughter tells me she misses her daddy, and asks me if we will ever get married again.
• I hate Scott when my 2 year old sees other dad’s all around her, and sayd “Where my Daddy?”
• I hate Scott when I have to sit next to him at a family event that he manages to come to, and pretend I don’t hate him in front of my kids.
• I hate Scott when see or hear anything about the city of New Orleans.
• I hate Scott when I see romantic movies.
• I hate Scott when I see happy couples.
• I hate Scott when I hear about people who have been married for 20 plus years.
• I hate Scott when I hear Wild Horses (the song we walked down the aisle to), and any Al Green song (we danced to at our wedding).
• I hate Scott when I look at my stomach that is mushy from bearing two of his children.
• I hate Scott when I look at my Bank Statements and am still suffering the consequences of the money he spent recklessly on that girl. That still gets me completely irate.  I think I am over the infidelity… but the loss of money is real and damaging to me and my kids.
• I hate Scott when I hear that mutual friends of ours have been out drinking with him.
• I hate Scott when I think about the fact that I am going to have to continue to deal with him on a regular basis because we have children together.  I would really rather not ever see him or think about him again.
• I hate Scott when I realize that so much of my life, 14 years, my YOUTH was wasted with him.
• I hate Scott when my mother has breast cancer issues, and I have no-one to hold me and hug me and tell me it will be okay.
• I hate Scott when I am alone on the weekends and lonely, while he gets to be with my kids (I don’t think he is deserving of the joy those kids bring).
• I hate Scott when I know he has a new girlfriend, and all I can think about is if this new girls is going to be a stepmother to my kids.
• I hate Scott because my kids may have a stepmother one day. I came from a broken home, he came from a broken home, I wanted better for them. He told me when we HAD kids, that HE wanted better for them.
• I HATED Scott over the holidays when I didn’t get to see my 2 year old open presents on Xmas for the first time, because he had them Xmas morning. God I hated him for taking that joy away from me.
• I hated Scott on New Years Eve when I found out he went to a party, when he NEVER wanted to go to parties with me because he thought New Years was “for amateurs”.
• I hate Scott when I have to change my plans with my friends because his flight is delayed.
• I hate Scott when my 2yo is having a tantrum, and I have noone to look at and say “your turn”.  It’s always my turn.

These are just some of the reasons I hate him. I could go on and on about the every day things that make me hate him.  Some days, none of these things happen.  Some days a bunch of these things occur all in one day, and by the end of those days, I feel like I am right back where I started.

A friend recently told me it takes about 3 years to recover from a traumatic event, divorce being one of them. It’s been about 9 months since Scott moved out. I think I am better than I was 6 months ago, but I am not better yet. I wish I had a crystal ball that could promise me that this will get better. Does this make any sense?