June 22, 2011
Yesterday was my 41st birthday! I was very happy to spend it with my two daughters, my boyfriend Ron (yup, boyfriend – it’s official), and his 5yo son. Funny thing is was Ron’s birthday too! He turned 38 though … guess you could call it robbing the cradle, but not really.
We all went out to dinner, and Ron was carrying Josie on his shoulders, and as we walked in, a couple turned to us and said, “What a beautiful family you have!” … Ron didn’t miss a beat and said, “Thanks! Best 15 years of my life!” which was funny, because we’ve only been together for 2 months.
At dinner, Lila burst out and asked us how we actually met. I stuttered… what was I going to say? “Well Lila, we met at a bar and I had a one-night stand, and it just took off from there.” So, I just said, “Ummm… we met at a restaurant.”
Ron piped in and said, “That’s not the whole story though…” He turned to Lila and the other kids and said, “Your mom was out to dinner with a friend, and I saw her across the room and thought she was so beautiful that I had to talk to her. So, I did. When I did, I realized that she was not only beautiful, but smart and funny too, so I had to ask her out! Lucky for me, she said yes! So I asked her out again, and again and again. And now, I’m totally in love with your mom.” Wow. He made our one-night-stand sound so romantic! Thought I loved him before, but now… I’m head-over-heels. I hope this never ends.
Last year at my 40th birthday, I didn’t think I could ever possibly feel happy again. Here’s where my head was at just a little over a year ago. Not to say I’m happy because of Ron, but I’m really happy with him.
May 16, 2011
So. A few weeks back, I met a guy in a bar. He was flirting, he asked for my number, he was cute, and he called. We’ve seen each other almost every day since. It’s one of those whirlwind relationships that comes on like a hurricane. I hope it doesn’t blow away like one too. He’s adorable, he treats me so nicely, we have so much fun together and I feel happier than I have felt in a long time every time I am with him. He’s already using the “L” word.. I’m still too in shock to say that yet!!
It’s all happening so quickly… Am I crazy? I sort of feel like I’m in a go with the flow phase of my life right now. I can’t plan too far ahead … So
I might as well just enjoy something that makes me feel happy right now. Trying not to over-question and over-analyze everything.
Thoughts?? Questions?? Comments??
May 7, 2011
Met the girlfriend. Just had brunch with her, Scott and the kids. She’s totally nice and sweet. I feel much much better about her being around my kids now that I’ve met her. She’s hard to not like, she totally reminds me of myself when I was 28. I feel bad for her… She deserves better than a 45yo, semi-bisexual, selfish buffoon.
May 6, 2011
5/4/11: Hey! I found a 12yo babysitter for tonight. That’s how old you were when your babysitter – I mean girlfriend was born! Oh no – wrong you were 17. Holy shit – you could be her dad!! Hey at least she’s older than your birth mother who accidentally gave birth to an ass hole and made the world a worse place! Hope you have a lovely evening in my house that my family’s money bought!!
May 3, 2011
My kids met the girl. The anticipation was worse than the actual event itself. They came home and Lila said she had fun and she was nice, and hasn’t brought her up since. Glad it’s over-with. For me, I am still having a hard time with this, and I felt the need to explain to Scott why. I sent him the letter below a few days before the kids met the girl (still trying to think of a good nickname for her… Maybe slampig?):
I am sorry for the barrage of angry texts earlier today. I want to try and explain where it is coming from because I don’t think you have any comprehension of how I feel. I am not sure why I am writing this note because I don’t believe you care how I feel or care what impact the things you do have on my life… but we have children together and I guess this is my effort to see if in some way I can get through to you.
First of all – I don’t really hate this girl… I don’t even know her. However, I do know that I think it’s a little red-flaggy for someone who is 28yo to uproot their life for someone who was in the middle of a divorce, lives in another state, is significantly older and has two kids and an ex-wife to deal with. You’re bringing her into my life, my town, where my friends live and have been a great source of compassion and support in the last year, my safe place… into the house that I lived in, where I conceived Josie, with art hanging on the walls that was in my house first, and chit chatting with people in the neighborhood who were my friends first. She’s probably also hanging out with you and Matthew, who was also my friend first. She has my ex husband, must she have every other thing that matters to me?
It makes me wonder if she thinks of these things or not. If she doesn’t, then she isn’t a very thoughtful, compassionate or sensitive person. If she does think of these things, than maybe she is at least a sensitive and kind person – just blinded by naive love and doing what she thinks is best for her and for your relationship. I actually do hope for my kids’ sake, it’s the latter… I hope my kids end up with stepparents they like. As you and I both know, it’s hard for kids if they don’t like the parent’s significant other. Your step-father, your step-mother – nit very nice people, and that sucked for you. My step-mother… my mom’s boyfriends… Not so great either…. that sucked for me (although fortunately I never had to live in a house with my parents boyfriends/girlfriends). I also hope for my kids’ sake you make better decisions than your own father did in terms of a revolving door of girlfriends that took his attention off of you.
My anger is coming from a place of fear – can you comprehend how hard it is for me to accept the fact that a person who I’ve never met could have an impact on my children’s lives? My children are young and impressionable, and it makes me physically nauseous to imagine another woman playing mommy to my kids when I don’t know her and I have no idea what kind of person she is or what her background is. She could be mean and abusive to children. She could be a person with no filters who says inappropriate things around my children. She could set a bad example for my girls or have bad values or morals. She could also be really awesome… I just don’t know. I don’t know her. Once again for my children’s sake, I hope she is nice and kind, and semi-normal. The point is, it’s very scary to me, especially with how young and impressionable my children are.
I do know that she could never come close to comprehending my fear, because she is not a mother. Only a mother can understand the innate and human instinct one has to protect their children.
My anger also comes from a place of having no control. When you told me you were having an affair with Body Shots, and all the things that followed… It was a hit & run. I was kicked to the ground and beaten the shit out of emotionally and down for the 10 count. Every step that we have had to take over the past year to get where we are has been because of your decisions and your choices. Not mine. Now you are doing something that impacts the most important thing in the world to me… my children, and once again I have no control and no say. This is where my anger stems from.
I am also wondering if you have given a lot of thought to your decision to introduce our children to this girl, or if you are just being impulsive which you have been known to be in the past. Not only because this affects me, but because it also affects our children. Either way, from my perspective… it’s hurtful, upsetting and opens all my old wounds that I felt like were just beginning to heal.
I know that I have no say in how and when you choose to integrate this girl into my kids life… but I am asking you to think about the things I have said, and if you can find any way to put yourself in my shoes a little bit, then maybe you can at least try to be sensitive to how this impacts me and my children and understand why I feel the way I do.
I am sure in time this will get easier, but right now I am just asking for some sensitivity form you and your girlfriend. Ultimately, if we all get along… it is better for my kids. And you know that at the end of the day, no matter how angry and hurt and disgusted I am, I really want to do what is best for them.
Scott replied in a satisfactory manner which at least validated my feelings. He said he would try to be more sensitive to how things impact me and to do his best to stay out of my way in town. We shall see.
April 15, 2011
Feeling much more rational today. Sometimes I just have to spew a little venom out of my head and then I feel better.
What it really comes down to is that I think Scott is getting serious with this girl. This freaks me out because the idea that some woman who I don’t even know could end up being part of my kids life is really really scary to me. It is terrifying. Especially beacause my children are so young. She could actually have an impact on them, and that’s not what I signed up for when I had kids.
Scott and I are actually pretty good at co-parenting… we communicate well in terms of the kids and are usually on the same page. I am flexible with his schedule, he is flexible with mine…. I encourage the kids to see him, I sit with him at school functions, I tell them how happy I am they had a good time with him (and i actually am… I would feel terrible if they went there and hated it!). I send him photos of them when they do cute things. As a result, my children seem remarkably well adjusted so far. (Although I did want to cry when Josie was playing with her little poeple, and said, “Dis is da mommy… dis is da daddy… pause…. bye bye daddy, daddy goes to his house and I go have fun with mommy now.”
So, my question is, if we are co-parenting… how does that work if another person gets involved? Tri-parenting? I don’t want some girl who doesn’t have kids wiping my two year olds ass. I don’t want a girl who wishes she was a hooker being a role-model to my two daughters. I don’t want some stranger who i’ve never met being involved in my kids life.
I guess if this happens, I have no choice… but it is a terrifying thought to me. It’s so terrifying that it keeps me up at night sometimes and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I delivered these beautiful children into the world… I made them… no one will ever love them the way I do… why do i have to share them with some strange woman who wishes she was a hooker. Not to mention, if she’s 28 and dating a 45 year old guy, she obviously has some issues.
April 14, 2011
Slight rant. All I know about her is this. She pees in the shower and wishes she was a hooker. (when she told him she wishes she was a hooker, that’s when he fell in love with her). Nice girl, eh? A whore wannabe. Wonder if she knows about the trannie hooker… Or maybe she is a trannie? Or doesn’t care that he may prefer penises? She’s 28, which means when Scott was a Junkie, she was Josie’s age. She’s fucking my fat 45 year old, balding, gray haired ex. He’s really fat right now – i wonder if he still gasps for air when he cums, like he’s going to have a heart attack like he used to when we fucked. Ewwww. She has no thoughts of her own. I know this because she “likes” everything he likes, and has no original thoughts, just “likes” things and re-blogs things. She’s a lawyer, which automatically makes her a sleazy ass hole as all lawyers are. She has no kids… Hope she knows Scott hates kids, and is so broke from all the debt he has put us into that he can’t afford more. I’ve seen her gpoy on her re-blog blog, she’s not all that. If she ever moves to my town, I will make sure no one ever speaks to her. If she ever touches my children I will have her arrested. If I ever meet her, I will probably laugh in her face and say “Better you than me.” I almost feel bad for her because she doesn’t realize yet that Scott is a weak, pathetic, coward and a pathological liar. She actually thinks well of him. What a poor pathetic naive little fool she is. Reminds me of me when I was 28 – the age I was when I married that buffoon and poor excuse for a man.